Frequently Asked Questions
A. Are you concerned about a child in your family, church, work place or neighborhood?
- Is the child being exposed to violence in the home?
- Is the child timid and fearful of adults?
- Is the child too sexualized for his or her age?
- Is the child’s behavior aggressive or dangerous?
- Is the family unable to provide for basic needs of clothing, food, and supervision?*
- Are the parents stressed and frustrated with their children?
- Does it appear that there is drug or alcohol abuse within the family?
- Are you aware of a child being disciplined to the point of injury? Bruises, marks, cuts, welts, burns, etc?*
- Is a preschool/kindergarten age child left home alone?*
- Is the child left alone at home and is under age 8?
- Is a child under age 10, left to care for younger children?
- Is a parent or guardian allowing children to watch adult oriented movies or material on the net?*
- Is a child acting sexually towards your children or other’s children in a way that is not age appropriate?
- Is the child running away from home?
- Is the child appearing to be depressed or overly anxious?
The following guide will help you look at options and let you explore your concerns to determine if there is a genuine cause for concern or how you can help.
Question 1: Many parents (incorrectly) feel that if their children are not being directly hurt or attacked, violence in the home is not harming them. The truth is that if a child is witnessing violence in their home, they are learning that violence is acceptable behavior. They are also being conditioned to violence, which will affect their ability to keep themselves safe in the future. It is also likely affecting their ability to learn and grow normally. If you are aware of a child witnessing violence in their home, please consider taking action. You may report it to the county child protection agency. You can offer help to the victim of the violence. You can offer information about the effects of violence on children to the parents.
Questions 2, 4 and 15: These are all signs that a child may be the victim of abuse or neglect. They are also signs of general emotional or behavioral difficulties. It is sometimes hard to tell the difference. Unless you have additional reasons to be concerned about the family, a more cautious approach may be best. Getting to know the parents and children in the family may help you understand more about the causes of concern. It may also give the child or parent an opportunity to share concerns directly, giving you an opportunity to help. Again if in doubt, a call to the child protection agency can help you sort out whether this is a reportable situation.
Question 3 and 13: These are signs of possible child sexual abuse. Anytime a preadolescent child is acting out adult sexual behaviors, there is a reason for concern. Unfortunately, there is often not enough information to report abuse because the child has not shared who is abusing them or what exactly is happening.
However, if a child forces your child into adult sexual behavior, you may report it to the police or child protection agency. If a child is three years older than your child and he/she engages your child into adult sexual activity, you may report this to the police or child protection agency. A talk with the parents, to inform them of their child’s behavior and let them know that this behavior may be a sign of abuse, is also an important step.
Many children engage in normal exploratory behavior, which involves their sexual parts. However normal exploratory sexual behavior is done with age mates and it will not be forced or coersive in nature.
Again if you have concerns but not enough information to report, connecting more with the family (while keeping your own children safe) will help them come to you when they are able to tell about possible abuse. Sharing your concerns in a kind manner can also help an unaware parent learn information that will help them in the long run.
Here is a list of normal childhood exploratory behaviors for children ages 5 to 10:
- Playing doctor
- Pretending to be parents
- Kissing and hugging
- Looking at each others sexual parts
- Asking questions about how babies are made
- Asking questions about menstruation
- Asking about sex in general
- Asking about differences between the genders
- Touching their sexual parts when alone or at home
This is a guideline, if for any reason a child seems to be overly focused on sexual play, is forceful in this play or playing sexual things with a much younger child (3 years or more), it is a reason for concern.
Questions #5, #8, #9, and #12: These are serious situations and by being aware of them you are possibly a bystander to abuse. WE would strongly encourage you to take action. That could include calling and reporting the situation to your county child protection agency or the police. You do not have to give your name if you chose to report.
Other options if you chose not to report:
Talk with the adult and share your concerns. It will likely work best if you take an approach of wanting to help rather than criticizing. For example you could say, “John told me about seeing adult shows on TV and he seemed confused by them. He is a great kid and I thought you would want to know about this. (Leave time for them to share something about the situation) I hope you know I am always here if you need anything or want to talk.”
Talk with the child and let them know you are interested in them. Ask them about their life and interests. Let them know you can be a listening ear for them.
*These may be reportable situations and you may report your specific concerns to the County where the family lives. Here is a list of phone numbers for a few MN counties:
Anoka 763-422-7125
Ramsey County 651-266-8500
Dakota County 952-891-7459
Hennepin County 612-348-3552
Question 6: When a parent appears overly stressed or frustrated with their children, it may be a temporary situation or a precursor of abuse. Parental stress is a common problem among today’s parents who are often trying to work, manage a home, and have a social life as well. Many parents do not have support from their extended family and may not have a break from parenting. They may be coping with on-going personal issues or they may be faced with a particularly challenging child. There may be financial or relationship stress which is impacting their parenting. Whatever the cause, empathy and offering help is the most common solution.
The most important action you can take is not to judge them or their children while showing you are interested in their family. Focusing on their positive behaviors as a parent (what good parenting do you see) or on the positive behaviors of their children (what are the good things you notice about their children) can go a long way in helping them cope better. The last thing a frustrated parent needs is to feel you are criticizing them or their children!
Empathy works best! Here is a list of positive comments you can make to a stressed parent which will help them relax and maybe reduce their stress:
- “I remember times like that when I had young children.”
- “I always thought parenting was the hardest job I have ever done.”
- “My child used to do that too.”
- “My child was pretty challenging but
he turned out to be a great adult.”
Here is a list of ways to reframe children’s behavior in a positive light:
- “I wish I had as much energy as your child has, I wish I could borrow some of it now.”
- “Your child sure has a creative mind.”
- “Your child is quite a talker.”
- “Your child has persistence that will serve him wonderfully later in life.”
As in all cases, if you are convinced that a child is being abused, a call to the county child protection agency will help you make a decision about whether there is a reportable situation occurring or not.
Question 7: While drug or alcohol use within a family may not always be a concern, if a child’s home is frequently used by drug users or sellers, he or she is likely at risk of abuse or neglect. If a parent is abusing alcohol or drugs, he or she is possibly exposing a child to risk. These situations are often reportable to the county child protection agency. If a report is not accepted, being available for that child as a caring adult who is interested in them may be all you can do.
Questions 10 and 11: These can be serious situations depending on the maturity of the child. You may want to think about whether the concern you have represents an isolated situation. You may also want to consider whether the child in question is unusually mature or unusually immature. For example, if a child is age 7, is rather mature for his age and is left at home alone during the day for 30 minutes on one occasion it is likely not a reason for concern. If that is the type of situation you are concerned about, you could offer the parents help watching their child in the future if a need arises. You could also monitor the situation and see if it occurs again. Or you could report it to child protection services in the county where the family lives.
On the other end of the spectrum, if a child is 10 years old and is emotionally or developmentally delayed, being left alone at home could be a dangerous situation. If this is the type of situation you are concerned about, you may want to report the situation to the child protection agency for the county the child lives in. You could also express concern or help to the parents. Certainly, if you are aware of any danger resulting from a child being left home alone, contact the child protection agency in that county.
Question 14: If a child is running away from home, it may be a signal that the child is experiencing abuse however it may also be a sign of other emotional, behavioral, or chemical health problems. If you know of a child who has run from home, you may wish to ask the child directly why they left home. Keeping a child in your home when the parents have not given permission is illegal. There are shelters for runaway youth in many communities so if you are concerned about possible abuse of a runaway child, you may want to offer them help finding a safe place to stay (not at your house) while they work things out.
Other FAQs
E. Do you just want to help the families and children in your daily life?
